Ambrose Ambles

 

Down The Aisle.

Your Shopping Correspondent’s report..

With Ambrose Quint.

#1.

Hello and Happy holiday specials, shoppers! Ambrose here and in this series I will be taking you “Down the aisles” to report on those special products and moments in the wonderful world of the domestic shopping centres and emporiums…A world of excitement and discounts awaits!

Let us leap into our journey!

I’d like to take this opportunity to recommend ; ‘Natasha’s’ Pomegranate and chocolate cake mix. I have it on good authority , one ; Lorna Roesler , who upon noticing the above product under my inquiring scrutiny, solemnly informed me ;” That is a nice one, that is…made it for my grand-daughter’s christening party…was appreciated all ‘round”…and she tapped the box and nodded her approval…and went on her way to turn the corner by the San Remo spaghetti stand.

Now I wouldn’t want you to think I dwell too long at the cake mix shelf..it is only a convenience stop while the Other Half peruses the John West tuna tins ..always searching out, like the alchemists of old ; the philosophers stone..that elusive ; “Tuna with brine” tin..they don’t seem to make them anymore..she scorns the w/tomato, peppers or other condiments and will grudgingly accept the tuna w/ springwater substitute…the cake shelf is just there over the aisle..and I have to say ; I AM intrigued by those gorgeous pictures of the perfect cakes on the packet…as much as some perverts are attracted by those perfect legs on the panty-hose packets or the stunning blondes on the home-perm packs…I linger very little at any of the above..I want you to trust me on that!

But I have to say, I have seen several middle-aged shoppers handle those packs of food-wrap sealed meat trays with a fondness beyond mere purchase curiosity…I see them rub their thumb over the taut film of wrap covering the ‘lamb loin chops’ so it “squeals” and “chatters” with tantalizing intensity..almost comparable to a squeal of delight!…maybe THAT is the attraction..and then , having stretched the tension out, they move on, thinking no-one is noticing their apparent interest, to the next……..but ..I..am watching..I am always watching…I am watching you all !!

Until next time, this is your shopping correspondent signing off.

Down the Aisle.

Shopping Correspondent’s Report.

With Ambrose Quint.

#2.

Happy Holiday specials, shoppers!

Although one is reticent to admit of little discernable difference in weight for weight “in hand” measure between the “Messy Jessy” sticky-orange and almond semolina cake and “Greens” zesty orange mix, I am drawn toward Messy’s for the warmth of the personal piccy of the young lady on the cover of the box…a delightful portrait of what looks like a conscientious cake baker if ever there was one….more power to her I say!

Anyway, there I was , a box in either hand , when an elderly lady bustled up to pluck a muffin-mix from the shelf..The lady was noticeable amongst the shopping surge by the fact that she was sporting a shiny, complex looking mechanical prosthetic lower limb!…I held her sleeve before she could escape..

“That looks expensive” I motioned toward the damn fine machinery protruding down from her shorts.

“Too bloody right it is” and she leant in to whisper ; “One hundred and ten thousand dollars…inc. gst.” And she nodded.

I gave a low whistle of respect.

“And can you get it on the national health?” I asked.

“No way…and they have a new model out..”The Cougar”(I think she said that!) one hundred and fifty thousand dollars” She noticed my raised eyebrows “ But it’s better than a wheelchair !”

“I bet the kids love it” I proposed.

“Oh yeah..they come rushing up and say ; “Cool! I want one!”…Oh no you don’t, I say..no you don’t”..and she strode confidently away. I have to say I agree with that last statement.

This is your shopping correspondent signing off for another fortnight.

Down the Aisle.

Your shopping correspondent’s report.

With Ambrose Quint.

#3.

Happy holiday specials, shoppers!

Hello fellow shoppers..just back from that  bohemia of bargains and I have to report that Ms. Betty Croker has one-up on her competitors in the cake-mix dept’ ..: the new “soft-pak” bag of cake mix…no more chaffed corners and leaking tears..the new papery/plastic bag gives that “soft touch” to a serious product..but I do miss the feeling of mystery when one “feels” the weight without squeezing the contents..oh well..technology an’ all that.

Onto the complaints dept’..: Different coloured items of the same veggie product…don’t like it!…I see carrots have now been given the “technicolour shine”, as have cocktail tomatoes..the carrots look totally unappealing…I won’t have them..and today I see pre-packs of cocktail tomatoes with several different coloured types..outrageous..yellow, red and brown!…The brown ones are those so-called “Black Russian” variety..the “good lady” had me try to grow some..got a few off the plant..weird..half red / green / dun-brown..not really black at all!..and the ones in the pre-pack were decidedly brown, so they looked like wombat droppings!..can’t come at ‘em at all !…if it ain’t broke..don’t fix it! ..I say.

Had the devil’s own job finding the “almond milk”..looked high and low and they turn out to be in the real milk section…who’d a thunk it?..along side ; soy, coconut, rice milk…now I have always thought COWS and other animals were milked, but by jingo…they have taken this miniturisation technology to a new level!..milking a grain of rice now…I’ll be jiggered!

Asked a woman packing heaps of brown onions into a shopping bag if it meant a heavy BBQ. weekend?

“No” she innocently replied “My husband likes them raw…has been for the thirty-eight years we have been married”…

Damn joint is getting over-run with LNP. voters!

Catch you down the aisles next time..and always remember : “It’s not the specials that matter most, it’s the smile of the checkout person when you groan at your bill”.

Down the Aisle.

Your shopping correspondent’s report.

With Ambrose Quint.

#4.

Happy holiday specials, shoppers!

On a different theme today, not withstanding the news from the packaged cake mix shelf that “The Little Brownie Co.” has nudged “Messy Jessie” off the main shelf over to the ancillary shelf ..sad, really, to see that delightful young cook “remainded”..though I do notice that “White Wings” has maintained complete domination of the shelf space!..Isn’t it always the same : Corporations rule!

But that’s not what I wanted to report today from the shopping. The most amazing thing happened..You know how difficult those unwieldy shopping trolleys can be with a full load?..well, I came swishing around the corner of aisle 7, cut close to the rack of “Sienna chopped tomatoes” and lined myself up on “the right line”(as they say in the motorcycle racing game) to cut into the rice rack for a quick pick-up of “Doongari Clever Rice”…and there, right in front was another fully laden trolley navigated by this slip of a girl !..evasive action was applied by both of us to avoid a collision..and I do not think I need to describe the consequences of such a disaster of two fully laden shopping-trolleys colliding at full-pitch…ISIS. would have claimed responsibility for the resulting mayhem!

But just as it seemed inevitable, the strangest thing happened ; We both put in place, with synchronistic timing our “ collision prevention plan”..With my left hand in a firm grip on the trolley handle, and my right on the basket corner of the trolley, I pulled off the most amazing 90 deg. Spin around..and the lady did EXACTLY the same maneuver in opposition!…both trolleys performing the perfect pas de deux  whilst the owners exchanged places and then continuing the movement, like two rock’n’rollers performing a jitterbug routine, we spun and double switched back so avoiding an earthquake of a collision and continued on our way with a passing high-five as salute.

An amazing maneuver that has to go down as an essential in the “Shopping-trolley collision prevention handbook”…But in my book , I will always refer to it as : “The dance of the seventh aisles”.

Until next time, this is your shopping correspondent singing off.

Down the Aisle.

Your shopping correspondent’s report .

With Ambrose Quint.

#5.

Happy specials, shoppers!

Yes, with the holidays now over, this week your shopping correspondent reports from the Central Market.. I first secured my spot on “The Pensioners Seat” there opposite “Goodies and Grains” and patiently watched ‘the passing parade’..I have to report that the shelves of bread and pizza bases over the aisle there are a wonder to behold. No longer are we, the shopping public, limited to dull, boring  Lebanese flat bread , now there is “mountain bread” made, no doubt for those more hardy eaters of the staple diet than the rest of us…there are “wraps” of many different grains and condiments, there are breads of so many different grains, I am not at all surprised at the “organic five grains” or the ‘wild grains” or the “spelt and barley combos”…some of which could see one getting done for GBH. If they swung it at the head of a victim!..What has happened to the old Tip-Top Tank –loaf, I ask?

Anyway I have to say that the old maxim so drummed into our generation by those sartorial watchdogs of our parents generation ; “Blue and Green should never be seen” has gone by the wayside..out the window even, for I saw such harlequin mix of colour and fabric would make a Ringling Bros’ Circus clown seem dullsville in comparison…and such fit of clothing …There were those body shapes that should not wear such tights so that it was a shocker…and enough to make a pensioner blush…there was more movement there than a whole battalion of infantry on manoeuvres!…and some that deserve a tad more discretion in their choice of shoes..

Tiling is a dead give away for poor stature and poise in the walk. You have the heavy “clumping” of the sloth-footed to the rappata-tap-tap-tap!..of the hard-soled / high-heeled lithe of step…Asian ladies have perfected the “slapping sandal” movement to perfection…I have on occasion practiced their style to try to emulate the rhythmic clap…it is difficult…and draws unwanted attention to oneself..a bit like a white guy trying to tap his foot to jazz..it just doesn’t go..there must be that “natural sense of rythym” (  ).

Thankfully, fast fading away is the brutal look of the shaved head…replaced by the more stylish if pretentious “Hipster lick”..Now, the only blokes sticking to the style are the old guys going bald anyway and hoping nobody will notice if they shave the lot off…the “five-o’clock shadow” is a dead give away.

Anyway..been a busy day and now I gotta go do the horses..

This is your shopping correspondent signing off for another week (or two).

Down the Aisle.

Your shopping correspondent.

With Ambrose Quint.

#6.

Happy specials, shoppers!

I think we may all appreciate a little bit of cheering up…doncha think?

This shopping trolley I picked had a dud wheel. It had a flat-spot on the rear left hand wheel. I didn’t realise it was so bad until we had started to fill it with products..you know those shopping trolleys..you expect something to be wrong with them..after all, many of them suffer the most awful treatment..two or sometimes three little kids being pushed around the aisles by a long-suffering mother..or getting dumped in a ditch the other side of the car-park (the trolleys, NOT the kids!)..in a shallow water drain…generally treated like shit..sad..or else it’s got the wobbly wheel..I’ve had a few of those, you know..no matter how you try to control it, the trolley gets this wriggle, wobble, rattle and you look a goose as you wrestle with its runaway attempts..or at least you think you do..and that’s just as bad.

But I don’t know if you have noticed, but you rarely see women shoppers with a dud trolley..you hardly ever see it..I suppose that women, conscious as they are of being observed from a young age as they go about their everyday business, are just too savvy to let themselves get tricked into pushing a dud trolley..the image, the image..you know..

I tell you what is the saddest sight you’ll see down the aisles of the supermarket..; The recently divorced middle-aged male trying to do his shopping. He’s never done it regularly you see..or if at all, ..and he doesn’t know where things are or what’s the best buy..or even what he needs to buy..so he spends the first two weeks wandering up and down the aisles looking dazed and confused and to make it look legitimate as he finds his “shopping legs”, he’s got the first thing that represents a sense of security that springs to his recently divorced mind..; a packet of “Arnott’s Monte Carlo” cremes rolling about the otherwise empty trolley like a loose cannonade in a 17^th century sailing battleship. I can assert these things because I have witnessed them..with blokes I have known personally.

But I had this trolley with the flat-spot on its rear left side wheel..I don’t know how it got there, probably got jammed some time and the person kept pushing it with the one jammed wheel over the bitumen car-park till the wheel got a flat spot..and now, with the good lady loading the blasted thing up, it was coming down heavy on that wheel at every revolution so that it made a distinct “dud” sound..and when I was called upon to make a swift manoeuvre. Like overtaking an aged pensioner..it would make accusative ; “dud-dud-dud-dud” sounds and I would feel the insult like it was directed straight at me..like the defect trolley was my fault..Women shoppers would lower their eyes and smile and I felt obliged to explain away the defect that really wasn’t my fault and curse the god of shopping trolleys..but THEY knew, and I do believe it gave them a comforting feeling to get one back on the “handy-man” of the species..a sort of self-satisfied ; “Mr. Mechanic- fix thyself”.

Every now and then, for some unexplainable reason, my good lady pauses at a display of this or that product shelf and peruses the ingredients label on a number of different brand but similar products. It never ceases to amaze me that women, some of the best known cynics of the species, will yet search out the lies and misinformation in an ingredients label and take what they read as the gospel truth! 

And talking of wobbly shopping trolleys, my cousin; Ron th’ brickie..when he purchased his brand new lime-green, HQ Holden, back in those days..made sure it wouldn’t get scratched by a carelessly handled shopping trolley at the supermarket by parking at the furtherest  place in the car-park…only to one day helplessly witness through the café window where he sat to have a coffee and admire his new “Kingswood” car..a reckless person, after emptying their trolley of food and products into the boot of their car, shove the trolley away carelessly into the vast emptiness of the car-park, where it ran to an almost stop, turn slightly to the downward slope and gathering speed with a wobbly wheel, steer a course as if under the control of cruel fate, directly toward the broad-side of a new, shiny, lime- green Holden HQ Kingswood motor car..and there was not a thing he could do to stop it..”It was like torture” he reflected wistfully..and he shut his eyes at the memory.

And this will be all for this series, faithful shoppers…so until next series and we hope it will be soon!…, this is your shopping correspondent, Ambrose Quint signing off.